Straightforward strategies to pursue your purpose, accelerate your growth, show up as your whole self, increase higher order thinking and align your time with your values. What to try. Why it Works. For When it Matters.
What to do when you're getting in your own way
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One of the hardest things about being a parent is watching our kids get in their own way. Whether they’re being overly perfectionist and destroying draft after draft of an already-lovely card for grandma while spiraling deeper into self-defeat, or talking themselves out of any hope of performing at their best in an upcoming game, weaving a self-fulfilling prophecy right before your eyes or they’re crashing and burning from trying way too hard to make new friends, reinforcing their internal “nobody likes me” narrative. It’s hard to watch. We’re as invested in their goals as they are, we know how much they want it, and we know they could do it, if only they would stop getting in their own damn way! This is especially hard when our kids are repeating a pattern that has caused problems for us too. We don’t want them to inherit our own legacy of self-sabotage. So there we are, waving red flags around like Twirlers in a parade until our arms fall off. The reality is, we can provide support and share our cautionary tales, but they have to learn for themselves, just like we do: what are the tells, what are the patterns, what can I do to override them and why am I getting in my own way? It can feel like an internal battle. Our conscious mind has it’s foot on the gas, working toward a goal, while our unconscious mind might be pumping the brakes, tying to protect us from the pain of failure or rejection. Self-protection runs deep and sometimes it leads to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage refers to the thoughts and behaviors we adopt that undermine our goals, values and self-interest. It’s how we get in our own way and can become our own worst enemies. It might look like quitting excuses addiction avoidance stagnation rumination martyrdom comparison self-isolation self-criticism procrastination lack of ambition conflict creation holding grudges negative self-talk social withdrawal chronic forgetting toxic perfectionism false dependencies excessive risk-taking self-imposed obstacles attempts to control others Sheesh! With self sabotage, these aren't isolated incidents, they are self-defeating patterns and sometimes they can be pretty sneaky. Many self-defeating patterns masquerade as positive. Consider the aspiring entrepreneur who gets so locked in a search for certainty that she fails to launch. Her conscious mind wants to create a company while her unconscious mind keeps her locked in research mode with a goal line that keeps moving. “Not yet” becomes never. Over-research, over-preparation, over-planning, toxic positivity, perfectionism, over-ambition hyper-independence… These self-defeating patterns work for you, right up until they work against you. We sure don't make it easy for ourselves. Limiting beliefsLimiting beliefs are the thoughts and mindsets that hold you back. They’re the reasons you “can’t” or “shouldn’t” or don’t, the things you believe about yourself, the lies you tell yourself, that keep you stuck. And that’s not the worst part. Limiting beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. What we believe about ourselves becomes the reality that we create for ourselves. 😳 As famed mathematician, computer scientist and MIT professor, Seymour Papert put it so well in his book Mindstorms: LINK: If people believe firmly enough that they cannot do math, they will usually succeed in preventing themselves from doing whatever they recognize as math. The consequences of such self-sabotage is personal failure, and each failure reinforces the original belief. Talk about a vicious cycle. There is no better reason to release your limiting beliefs than to prevent them from manifesting in your life. 🔆 First, identify the specific limiting belief that is showing up for you. Easier said than done AND entirely doable. It takes: noticing building awareness recognizing patterns. Ask yourself: 🪞 What underlying belief about myself is showing up here? 🪞 Does this belief empower me or hold me back? 🪞 Is this belief based on fact or assumption? 🪞 Do I have a reason to doubt my ability? 🪞 What am I afraid might happen? 🔆 Assemble disconfirming evidence Here’s the thing about your limiting belief: it isn’t true. Maybe it was once, maybe you needed to believe it then, maybe you’ve believed it for so long it feels like the truest thing you know about yourself. But here’s the real deal: the only thing you can’t do is the thing you’re telling yourself you can’t do. So build the case in favor of “I can”. Reflect on and write down instances in your life: ✒️ when you overcame similar doubts successfully ✒️ when you achieved something despite this belief ✒️ when your actions challenged or disproved this belief ✒️ when others praised or recognized you for things that disprove this belief 🔆 Reframe the belief The stories we tell ourselves matter. Those self-fulfilling prophecies that can work against you can also work for you. It all depends on what you tell yourself. I’m a big believer in affirmations. If you’ve never tried them, no time like the present. Keep it simple and start with 1-3 statements that you say to yourself in the mirror, with eye contact. 👀 An affirmation should:
Even a simple & sincere “I’ve got this” can work wonders. For a different approach, My friend Sara Schroeder shared this template for a 30 second self-pep talk inspired by The Magic of Thinking Big. 🔆 First, write down your strengths and best qualities. 🔆 Second, fill in the template below, inserting your name & strengths: [Name] meet [Name]— You’re kind of a big deal. [Name] you’re a big thinker, so think big. You’ve got all the ability, all the resources, and all the means to bring value to your world. [Name] you believe in
So only talk about the positive.
[Name] you have what it takes. Nothing can stop you when you decide to take action. You can run the race set before you, and you can do it EASILY. Yeah, even with the mistakes and failures Because you [Name] know what you want, know what you mean by that, and You love your WHY. Now, [Name] go take action! 🔆 Then, say it in the mirror every morning. Maybe even add in a high five. 🙌 I’m going to try it! If you are too, send me your script and I’ll send you mine — nothing like a little mutual accountability and inspiration! Also follow Sara on LinkedIn if this is your vibe — she is sunshine incarnate. Worry Habit LoopsLike limiting beliefs, anxiety can be a form of self-sabotage. In order to avoid situations that trigger anxiety, you might procrastinate, avoid challenges, make excuses or lean into limiting beliefs that hold you back. Big picture, it’s a misguided act of self-preservation that provides immediate relief from the anxious feelings, but ultimately sets you up for failure that reinforces the anxiety. 🥴 Situationally-speaking, a self-reinforcing, form of self-sabotage occurs when anxiety loops with worry. In American cinema there are classic good-guy-turned-bad stories — Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Monsters Inc.... In neuroscience, there is this one: the Worry Habit Loop explored and explained by Dr. Judson Brewer It’s like a happy habit formation loop walked up and kicked you right in the privates. The mechanics of the Worry Habit loop and the Habit Formation loop are the same: 1️⃣ Trigger 2️⃣ Behavior 3️⃣ Reward/Result When we want to build a new habit, this loop works wonders: 1️⃣ We attach a habit to a trigger, which cues the desired behavior 2️⃣ We do the thing 3️⃣ We celebrate the win, which reinforces the routine (thank you, dopamine) Unfortunately, the loop is equally effective when it’s working against us. In the Worry Habit version, these same mechanics fuel and reinforce our anxiety. WTF, right?! Here’s how it works: 1️⃣ The feeling of anxiety is the trigger 2️⃣ for the mental behavior of worrying. 3️⃣ The sense of control we get from worrying rewards the brain, which reinforces the anxiety. Another vicious cycle! When I first learned about this, I thought, “oh, we’re f*cked”. But of course that’s not true. We’re not gonna let some negative feedback loop push us around. New OS, engage! 🤓 Here are some tips to break the cycle: 🔆 Get to the root cause. Anxiety is rooted in uncertainty or fear of the unknown. Demystifying the trigger by labeling it’s source can provide that reward of control without the worry step. Get curious and name it: "I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious about ______________." Then take three deep, slow breaths. 🔆 Cozy up to the unknown. Our brains are hard-wired for survival, but that’s so Old OS. Climb out of the thought hole of whatever worst case scenario you’ve jumped to and reengage your rational mind. Investigate the underlying concern. If it's valid, plan for it. Having a plan in place for what to do if that scenario does come to fruition can break the anxiety cycle. Rational thought beats fear every time, as long as you can access it. 🔆 Show yourself some love. Self-compassion can help neutralize the negative cycle. Once you feel safe and confident again (checked for saber-toothed tigers over both shoulders), don’t beat yourself up for freaking out in the first place. Acknowledge the fear, thank it for stepping in to keep you safe and send it on it’s merry way. ✌️ 🔆 Stick a finger in your ear. I’m serious. Place your pointer finger comfortably inside your ear. Pull down gently and apply slight pressure, holding the finger in place. Take several deep breaths as you return to a calmer state. This helps break the cycle by triggering a pressure point that returns the nervous system to a parasympathetic state. Pretty cool, huh? (Credit to Dr. Nicole LePera for this one.) I love this move. Let me know if it works for you too! As a reminder, I’m shifting to a summer schedule, with Newsletters dropping every other week (the next one will be on June 16th). I’m using the extra time to zoom out to work on a few big exciting projects & spend more time with my boys. In the meantime, I’m here if you need me. Drop me an email anytime: nicole@timebydesign.com or schedule some time if you want to chat — I always love connecting! Have a wonderful week! Nicole |
Time by Design
Straightforward strategies to pursue your purpose, accelerate your growth, show up as your whole self, increase higher order thinking and align your time with your values. What to try. Why it Works. For When it Matters.
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